| ***attenshun!*** |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|08:10 pm] |
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so i've finally taken it upon myself to get a new livejournal account.
love me do at ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) eeeelyse
word ! |
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| nothings gonna stop me from floating |
[Jul. 12th, 2005|02:27 pm] |
the saddest part of a broken heart, isn't the ending so much as the start.
damn the matters of the heart and mind. i wish i could give planetcunt the huggling of a LIFETIME. i miss what i used to have with zoe. but we should be glad that branches of a tree grow out, not in, cause then we couldn't think broccoli looks like trees... what? i know what i mean.
so, i'm scared about finding a home. if i can find a home. if i'll be able to get a decent one. i've been living out of a suitcase [by choice, one hundred percent] and it just hit me last night when victor's mom went on this drunkard rant of ambiance. i found myself showered in that thought how i used to own so many candles... i miss owning my own things, and at risk of sounding like a spoiled brat, all the artwork i had accomplished, started, along with my floral apprenticeship, i had to throw away. i know who i am; but that wee part of my entity has to re-establish itself in a familiar place... is that truly a minor setback? i left on the account of so much comfort, and for a challenge. i got a shitload more than i bargained for and yeah, i was only trail blazing... i'm just tired of dreaming that i somehow ending drowing in some lake in bc. isn't that just creeped?
i should just shut up. every cause has it's effect. i've just gotta get my wings going.
chalky is coming in to toronto today!! YAY#@! magic tricks, and gorgeous artwork for toronto indeed... of course, lots of beer and super sleepovers. i am pumped.
i am not stepping foot outside today. i am taking advantage of every moment i have of this fucking freon before end up god knows where tonight.... it just could be without it. it's so damn hot, and i wouldn't be such a suck about it if i didn't get such bad rashes from heat.
DAMN YOU MOTHERNATURE AND A POLLUTED CITY! she's punishing us.
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|06:42 pm] |
this heat is ridick and i fuckin biked in it all day... is that why i implanted myself somewhere less dry? doesn't help when fuckers blast air conditioning unnecessarily, causing me to feel ill from drastic temperature changes.
now i am no longer sweating for a have a place to sleep tonight. glorious! happy birthday shawna bee, leave to elyse to get completely shitfaced. i got more wasted than the birthday girl? shakes head... but last night was SOUND. i had fun. specially he puking spicy eggplant part and victor trying his hardest to not laugh at me, whilst i gave in to the feeling that i was at the end of being. NEVER DRINK AN ENTIRE LITRE OF WHITE WINE TO YOURSELF. but you gotta try new things, right? HEHEHEEE...
so, had a job interview today at a erotic boutique, and have one thursday with lush. fuck, am i ever relieved that income is PROMISING for me. i am a good employee. now i just have to save up some cash and find out if i can still do my apprenticeship in ontario.
now i am off to dance in circles and hug victor.
cheerio! |
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| she winks rainbows |
[Jun. 20th, 2005|04:13 pm] |
woah, the internet. been awhile. i just found out i can do all this
shit on my cell phone, but realised how lame it was at two am, bored
off my...self? i found chocolate lime juice as a ringer for my phone#@!
AMAZING! best bollywood song ever. actually, by far the worst.... but
has amused me so. CHOCOLATE, LIME JUICE, NANANANANANAAAAAA, GOOD THINGS
TO-GETH-ER, NANANANAAAAAAAAA#@!
the weather sucked monkeys for WEEKS. we had hurricane force warnings
and tsunami warnings... has never happened before, and the only reason
why it was done was so that someone didn't look like an asshole all
over again. california had a 7.3 quake. hense the warning. two days
later, it's fucking gorgeous - twenty seven degrees!
yesterday went for a lovely bike ride through stanley park with zoe and
chris. so foolish was i not to bring my backpack, and decided to put my
lock on my handlebars. made a quick turn, the bars got stuck with the
lock, and BAM#@! fucker. my derailer stabbed me in the shin. BAD. i
have never felt such pain in my life. i cried for like ten minutes, and
we're on the next day and i'm STILL bleeding. creeped. fucking bike
lock... it should give me GOLD. i have the limp to prove it. ANYWHO,
checked out the aquarium, seawall, got hiiiigh, then headed over to the
boathouse for drinks and appitizers on the deck. the sunset was just
cooling. 'more colours than my sock drawer could dream of'! living high
class. you all should join me next time, ya ya, you'll dig it. I GET
LAID IN SIIIIIIIIIX DAYS! i get to hug all the beautiful people i know,
turn twenty one, and be perpetually drunk... i hope i get to see a
shitload [ew?] on the twenty ninth at velvet, and the labrynth. doot
doot doot. it's so strange... i get shivers when someone touches me,
it's been so fucking long. i hope victor likes his native ring. i
bought us matching rings. i don't care if he wears it or not, but it's
just such a gorgeous concept... it's a native carved eagle in silver.
the eagle symbolizes peace, friendship, power, and prestige. it's like
i'm laminating us. i'm a little scared to be honest, cause i've never
done anything like this before. i may not ever give it to him. maybe
i'll give it to scooter. or captain garbage sitting outside right now.
i love love love. this afternoon, i will roll around on the floor, eat
coconut buns and damn skippy, i've gained just about twenty pounds#@! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 29th, 2005|02:21 pm] |
damnit ben, would you just know already is yr damn family is gonna be joining you on tour... and you always write the same damn way, it's peculiar. this would make booking this next plane ticket much easier. so far the prices have stayed the same from vancouver to denver, and wait... i do have a ton of fucking time until august.
anyway.
i was looking at all these pictures on my livejournal friends and damn, do i know some fucking fierce looking young women. i want them all, haha! driiip...
reading a wicked book: 'fierce invalids home from hot climates' by tom robbins. go read it. now.
summer is here! i am so bronzed and oOh la LA! went to bluzten lake with teabag, amaan, and zoe. wicked fun that always is! swimming in glacier water and it was all too wonderful for my mermaid disposition. they kept callin me crazy, and i kept treadin, baby.
seriously. i can't wait to see all you GORGEOUS faces when i get in to toronto. i have six minutes on this damn thing. i seriously don't know how to deal with the internet and shit, i have twenty bucks to my name and i don't get paid until thursday.
i've gotta make my dish for the barbeque tonight at kaila's. chinese eggplant with garlic, samboc, teriyaki, lime juice, and peanut for a marinate? i started my day waaaay too late. wake and bake and a bath is a glorious morning, but damn, i'm slow to respond. |
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| every colour goes where you do |
[May. 25th, 2005|04:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | GAI MAI BAO | ] |
thanks for the human's imput on the hair. i just can't decide cause i've always had such short hair, and now it's mid-back, healthy, but... i'm just not used to it, and i need some kind of a style for it. victor just loves the idea of a bob-cut for me cause he thinks i look exactly like sean young and that's how HER hair is. what a freak!
i've been a bit of a bummer the last few. i mean, i'm not SAD or anything. fuck sad. just... apathetic. steve can relate, it seems. perhaps it's just climate change. it's gorgeous outside, but i can't help but feel so short of myself.
having a phone relationship sucks. especially when your other half gets angry if he's hungry, tired and decides to call you. he's a wonderful person; but it's like he's ten years old sometimes. it's upsetting and it made me sick to my stomach last night. he apologized like fifty times this morning, but i hate those - just change your motherfuckin actions, man and you wouldn't have to feel like an asshole.... and figure out the damn time difference. he keeps calling me at like six and seven in the morning! it's cute, but yawn.
my mum has been just so depressed. her voice didn't even elevate to hear i'm coming home for a few. mostly to see her, granpa and granma, victor, friends. all the obvious stuff. but she called this morning, ecstatic for the package i sent her last week with seeds for the garden, fun lush stuff, and some of my photography. i'm glad it made her so happy.
now after a couple of days of everyone else's garbage, my soul is just awry. i can't focus. i've been yelling at cars a lot more than usual, i'm smoking two packs a week! i mean, i'm a happy girl don't get me wrong. i love life. just feeling so drained and was so looked forward to coming home, but now i really don't want to anymore.
i know you're not supposed to give to recieve, and i don't at all! but i am just so fucking tired. maybe it's the period. who knows.
in more happy fun news: i stay one extra day in toronto, cause mama requested it. mama gets what she wants, rah rah rah. amaan bought a sling shot with silver pellets and we had fun with it this morning. i swear, that boy is gonna get me so arrested one day. we cause way too much shit. my face is hilariously sunburnt. i found three records when i was garbage picking today: twisted sister, george carlin, and soft cell. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANNA THROW THOSE OUT? i don't get why people throw anything out, man. i found such wicked shit in the garbage. i found zoe and amaan a barbeque a couple of weeks ago, a high class red cashmere sweater, and now these records!! although, i'm probably gonna give em to my brother.
i hope everyone is having a lovely day. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2005|03:59 pm] |
why does he always hang up on me? ugly souled motherfucker. how did i EVER fall for you.
question:
my hair is damn long now. mid-back, actually. i'm bored as fuck and my boyfriend is being a dicksmoker. should i chop it all off? i'm thinking.. short. real short. like a bob-cut. you thinks? i've always had the same old blonde redhead long haired, rah rah rah. i want to feel sexy. but i don't wanna chop it all off and bawl my eyes out.
help! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2005|04:17 pm] |
i made a difference in bc today - GET YOUR VOTE ON!
SEE, i always knew scooter and blake have my back. my brudgrens. represent!
OH SNAP!
june 26th - june 30th
elyse will be in toronto.
*drumroll*
HER BIRTHDAY IS JUNE 29TH.
don't ask me why i'm doing this, but i can, and i guess i want some polluted air to take back to vancouver.
oh, and in case you don't know, june 29th is a WEDNESDAY.
we all know what wednesday is.
you want it? you have it, baby! i mean... i have it. i dunno if you guys want it, but it's more reason for us all to get waaaaaaaasted cause I'LL BE 21!
:D |
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| motion is silence |
[May. 15th, 2005|02:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | bloc party - blue light | ] |
i love the west coast.
has anyone ever experienced the intense rainfalls here? do share!
at three in the morning, i was awoken by intense pounding. realising it's consistant-inconsistancy of rain, i was ENTHRALLED! i have never witnessed something so tropical and tranquil in my life... so inspired, i ran outside to the middle of the street and danced myself silly in the rain! the wind swooshing, moving, inclining my body to just generate it's own heat [considering i was only in shorts and a beater]. the rain was POUNDING down! it didn't slow down, the drops weren't even big. it was just gorgeous.
after about fifteen minutes, i sussed a good idea would to go in and dry up. i woke up amaan... he stumbles out, and i have this goofy grin on my face. i felt like i had the most amazing sex, it was just so awesome.
i had french toast for breakfast this morning. i had a staff meeting, and can i say the people i work with are absolute adabat.
what the hell else i'll do with my afternoon, i dunno. it's pouring, so value village is outta the question for now. maybe i'll just paint and uh, maybe take a nap? absorb sometime alone, cause holy fuck, not that i can't stand people or anything but three people in a one bedroom is a bit much and considering my "room" is the living room... this allows me very little elysetime. |
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| that's the way we spell success! |
[May. 14th, 2005|12:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | matthew good band - suburbia | ] |
fucking stupid vanilla wafer zoe... so sick and tired of her 'drunk' lectures. "you drink too much in my house - everyday? do you really need to drink everyday?","we care cause we're your friends".
god, i just want to live alone again. alone with victor. damnit, it's enough that i'm living on your couch, do you really need to counsel me on my habits? so i smoke and i drink. so you don't. i'm not even in your way, for fuck sakes. i sit on the balcony, sketching, talking to victor or whomever else. she never even has to deal with it, unless i go inside to grab another one.
good thing my bicycle is out here ruling at life - looks like i'll be drinking in the park from now on. i don't need to listen to it, man.
it's so humid out today, and i've learned i can sign on to msn, and OF COURSE no one is online. waiting for laundry to finish, then going for a bike ride. figuring i'll go and see hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy with mooooooooos def! perhaps buy myself a cd? if i lived in guetamala, these options would not be avaliable to me. i am lucky.
it's really cool being your only friend! i get to do whatever i want, when i want, but it leaves something to be desired. i'm not homesick; it's just growing pains. i've sent in some app's for apprentice work as a florist. we'll see how that goes.
i remember when i lived with blake, jay and scooter they really accepted and cared about me. i miss that a lot. why couldn't i be living on their couch in vancouver? i think i'm gonna go live on kits beach for awhile.
vancouver has made me a very shy woman. so strange. i'm only excited when i am alone, drunk, stealing and defacing liberal signs. politics out here are so fucked. i hate the liberals so much, they should drown with sick rats.
so should my shitty attitude, but it makes me love life even more :) it's not really shitty, to be honest. i'm so happy, but... so shy.
why the fuck am i listening to this? for blake! i really like this song, for some reason. zoe owns hilarious cd concoctions. i need my guitar. victor honey, please send me my guitar! |
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| spiritual sea urchin |
[May. 4th, 2005|10:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | louis armstrong - homefire | ] |
I love you so much and actually cried when I read this.
But really let's get things straight, I totally said things when you came to me crying, I care about you sooo much and what's with these funny noises? was I a robot?
Also- as fucked up as those days were, I miss them. I miss going to the gung hay fa choy mall and sharing that noodle soup and having Alana Klein spend all her dad's money on us.I miss lying on your sanrio pillow while you played with my braces and thinking you were weird in a good way. I miss singing Ben Folds Five songs to your bird and dying your hair pink. I miss doing class assignments together, writing eachother stupid notes in class...remember Pike Bike and chunky monkey? ELYSE- DON'T CALL ME THAT!
Oh sigh, i'll try to keep it together. I hope we could go on more adventures soon.
hahah ugly fucker of an ex boyfriend, lovess it!!!!!
Love!
Why did you think I was a bitch when you first met me? was it the black spandex shorts?
no, it was probably the childishly endorsed child labour that roots ever so horrible hides :)
ADABAT, my friends. be weary of scabies.
"it is the plain women who know about love;
the beautiful women are too busy being facinating"
-katherine hepburn
how's that, shawna? convince you yet? :) too beautiful to let a man slow you down.
lush is amazing. boyfriend's are useless accessories. amaan makes me laugh. zoe loves me. the mountains appeared after a long day at work. tomorrow night is souls of mischief. HELLO WORLD, GOODBYE SENSE.
peace out. |
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| with no one around, let my mind go |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|09:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | yo la tengo | ] |
nothing puts me in a more bizarre mood than reading how sad shawna is. i have an incredible past with this woman. not only did i think she was a bitch the first time i met her, we were best friends a week later in the year of ninty-six. whenever my mom would hammer down on me, or my sister would get fucking mental i would run to shawna's house. she would let me cry in her room. she would let me listen to the same ben folds five songs over and over while i cried. she wouldn't ever say anything but make funny noises, which always made me feel better. she would come to visit me when i was sick and didn't come to school. we used to lay on the floor of my family room and laugh our asses off. shawna used to be the happiest girl i ever could possibly know. she was also probably the most popular one at school, and i always would get jealous when she would hang out with kayla or someone else, and not me.... just cause she was so fun, so rare, so pretty, i was scared to lose her as my bestest friend at the tender age of twelve.
shawna, it breaks my heart now that i'm on the other side of the country, and i can't do anything for you but to say how dear you are to me, and how much i feel i can owe to you for all your kindness all those years, when really, you didn't have to do anything. you're a darling girl, and as for that ugly fucker of an ex-boyfriend of yours... HE IS NOTHING. YOU ARE EVERYTHING AND NEVER LET GO OF YOURSELF. got it? honey. don't ever exhaust your emotions; they were supposed to be in this life, for now. misery only exists if you allow it. stare at the sun for awhile, you'll see what i mean.
ANYHOO.
crazy landlord james lee who i'm positive is constantly high off opium, finally gave me my own set of keys! thank goodness he didn't try to up zoe and amaan's rent. that would really suck. gorgeous day again today, will be also tomorrow. too bad i'm working at the bread garden all day. WHO THE HELL NAMES A CAFE THAT? although, i'm sure a literal bread garden would be comfy to sleep in... i want to go to the beach already :(
and i'm a little flustered no one has taken my filthography seriously, BUT THAT'S FINE. just goes to show how much you internerds have a narrowmind and won't check out a different website other than gayjournal. YES, THIS MEANS YOU. love me do, i love you!
lush seems like it'll be a super workplace, everyone's really nice, but somewhere the challenge isn't there. i mean, i landed a job the second i got in to vancouver from salt spring. there was no burden, no money wondering. nada. i should be excited and happy really, but for almost twenty-one, i don't know how much more i can accomplish... the pink ghetto sucks my ass, but for some reason... i'm so frightened to go to school. i had it all laid out, and mom will be kind of hurt if i don't go... i'm her last chance for a decent retirement, considering out of four kids, one's passed away, and the others have disowned her... i want to, but i'm just not ready :( do you know how much i suck at school? i don't even know how to sit still, let alone pay attention to some asshole who gets more vacation time than i do. how can i take that shit seriously? i don't want to take life seriously anymore, that's one thing i've learned in this past year.
i mean, i do serious things: help zoe sometimes volunteer for rape relief, give to amnesty international every month, try to make every passing person feel good... with smiles, 'bless you's' after they sneeze, tell the ladies they look pretty, remind the boys to stop gawking... WHATEVER. i don't know. i don't wanna say i'm lost. i want to say i'm not where i have the potential to be, and i'm scared to grow more?
i read a quote today coming home along hamilton. "growing up and out creates an unlikely diveristy" or something to that effect. basically what i figured it meant, the more you grow, the more you grow apart from everything around you... and that is indeed normalcy, but honestly, i like who i am. i don't want to grow from it. i don't want to be successful as some asshole suit or some big time rockstar.
i guess it's a shame to say, i'm feeling too old for twenty. i wish i could call my mom just to tell her what a fuckin cool mom she is, but it's too late in ontario. this summer is gonna be an intense one, i can feel it.
sometimes i turn around, and i expect victor to be beside me. sometimes i've called his name, without even thinking... i miss laughing with him. he's a good laugher... all musical and spiritful.
i can feel it. like tomorrow... and time and time again.
ugh, time to suck death and give lara a call and give her the shitty news. |
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| i love you, goodbye |
[Apr. 25th, 2005|09:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | did this asshole sample the chipmunks?! | ] |
drinking my iced americano and eating a raspberry muffin, while doing my laundry at the internet cafe and fish and chips restaurant... *shakes head* vancouver is SO RANDOM. oh, and it's summer here already :DDDDD
AMAZING. non stop sun and smiles from me. even though no week is complete without orgasms from victor or full tilt wednesdays, i am surviving just fine...
weekend job going well, but i work with such japped out girls and all they fuckin do is GOSSIP! i shouldn't be surprised, but damn i just started and their sucking me in. it's a fucking cafe/bakery girl LADIES! TOUGHEN UP! can you believe i'm the one having to say that? TOUGHEN UP? jeebus christ. i'm not sure if i wanna do this baking thing during the summer... i may quit in a months time, but that all depends on how i do at my full time job, which i start today - lush! STEVE, I'VE GOT MAD PRODUCT! I SHALL BE SENDING SOME YOUR WAY, or i'll just give it to you when you come, or give it to victor to deliver.
so, lush seems kind of culty... i've worked here five years and I LOVE IT, kinda thing. whatever, it's a job and i'm lucky to score two so fast, so i'm not complaining. just gimme my ilovelushforever injection already, and we'll do just fine... erm... i really hope they don't do that, but somehow... the passion for soap... is a little... much.
so, i'm a fucking nerd and cannot for the life of me figure out how to fuckin' post my movies or pictures on livejournal. i've tried reading that damn faq, but i was pretty stoned and got distracted. i could try when i'm not stoned, but i'm positive this effect will continue. i pick up when people explain shit to me, so if anyone could be dear enough [STEVE, TINA, SCOOTER, BLAKE, LEORA, AARON, JEFF--people who ALWAYS post pictures]i'd really appreciate it, and I KNOW YOU WANNA SEE MY MOVIE OF THE WORM! haha, it's fuckin' GREAT.
anyway, van seems to be treating me better than a week ago. but i've just been so tired... my lack of sleep before i left has certainly caught up to me, plus having to fuckin' bus everywhere like a heidious local makes me lethargic. i want my bicycle already :( and a friend. yes, a friend here would be nice. one besides zoe... and the old chinese lady who owns a garage and flower shop called "g-on"... so crazy this woman, she owns three dogs, and four birds. so cute though. she listens to me whenever i am sad and miss victor i go to see her and smell her flowers, pet her doggy, but not the fuckin' bird cause it always bites me, the cocksucker.
well, now that my laundry is finished i know i am locked out until amaan gets the fuck outta bed. who is this akon loser, and why the hell did he sample the chipmunks? what a fucking LOSER. someone ought to cut his genetic strand. OH WAIT, HE GOT A RECORD DEAL. he did it himself. good show, mate.
that quote i wrote i found in the paper. ever since i got out here, i've been asked reguarly if i'm a dancer. shit you not! this made me feel good, and it's an inspiring quote. we should all believe in ourselves.
love you all, missing you muchly, please... please... LOVE ME DO. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2005|09:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | elevated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | somethingofdizzygillespie | ] |
"nobody cares if you can't dance well.
just get up and dance. great dancers are not great
because of their technique, they are great
because of their passion."
-martha graham [dancer, teacher, and choreographer]
ps--i am no good at internet! i go internet like man talk book. |
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| you know it's hot, don't forget what you've got |
[Apr. 20th, 2005|05:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | high | ] |
| [ | music |
| | herbalizer - ginger | ] |
she got herself back! ALMOST... still a long way to go.
i've got me, and who could want anyone else? i smell like vanilla and weed.time to get out the oil pastels and have ourselves a time! cause that's what we do in these parts.
it's beautiful outside today, the mountains are bright and bold, my tummy is full, and pictures to come from my new digital camera... oh boy, I CAN MAKE MOVIES WITH IT!
this is keeping me occupied....*cough*
*running out to traffic at a red light on robson to a suit with the window down*
me: sir, do you have a moment?
him: yes
me: could you tell me what your hand smells like?
him: *smells his hand*...well, it smells like my hand!
i just need the sultan to show me how to upload this digi shite and BOOM! you fuckers will see some art.
off to nuture.
peace! |
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| hell is my doom |
[Apr. 17th, 2005|08:21 pm] |
i miss having a *real* home. i miss having my boyfriend around me, someone to hold close. i hate that i had such a giant fight with zoe about powertripping and now i hardly feel comfortable in her home at all. i can't stand that victor is so irritated with me because i ask him - FOR ONCE - what's going on wioth him, what will he be doing? when will he come see me? it used to be july, now its fuck off with this elyse, or we're never going to work. for the first time in my life i miss both my parents and i don't like calling people crying so i'll sit alone feeling sorry and angry with myself because i am really trying something new, and isn't it normal to be... a little... off balanced? i feel like i've got no one close to me at all right now, and i got used to having people around so much the past few years, i hate being alone now. i see so many sad souls out here, and i know i've got it fuckin' good, but i just can't shake this. i feel uncomfortable that only two people i know have e-mailed me to ask how i am. i don't feel like i have a fingerprint. i drink and smoke too much, i wish i was a little girl again with curly blonde hair, laying on my mom's lap after dinner, making funny noises. i wish victor would for once know what he could give life, instead of his want for life to need him. what happened? i was so confident and now i sit alone in this apartment on oxford street, wondering - all over again - WHAT IS IT I AM LOOKING FOR? i'm tired of looking. i'm also tired of just having. i want to appreciate life again, and damnit, i want victor to appreciate my feelings... instead of just hanging up on me and turning off his phone. i've been praying just to keep my head up, and fuck i am biting my lip so hard right now. i am sp tired of feeling no connection out here, i should just save more money, fuck everyone, and go see my family in england, stay there awhile. atleast i'll have drunkard english relatives and maybe living in their poverty will snap me back in to place. my confidence left with victor on wednesday. thursday i fought with zoe, and victor threw stones in her pond, which making shit harder for me, seeing as i have only a suitcase and a couch to sleep on. why did she have to trip on me? making me give her money because i had her keys? i don't feel comfortable here. i mean, i did. i almost don't anymore. then i call jonny, the one of the other people i know out here, my fucking step brother, and he tells me it's fucking VIRTUOUS that he listen to me in my time of need, because i haven't called him since i got here. HELLO FUCKER, I LEFT YOU TWO NOTES AT YOUR WORK FOR YOU TO CALL ME, BECAUSE "OUR" MOM SAID YOUR FUCKING PHONE DOESN'T WORK AND SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE ME ASHLEY'S NUMBER - SO SHE TOLD ME TO CONTACT YOU THROUGH E-MAIL OR YOU WORK. which i fucking did. BOTH. nope, i had to be told while i was bawling my eyes out that i was lucky that he even listen to me be upset that my best friend made me pay for her cab to pick up her keys from me at my work, because she ended up getting off work early, and couldn't wait forty minutes for me to meet here somewhere. mad powertripping. do you know what it's life to have nowhere to go and the one place you do, they fucking try to throw you out cause THEY want to feel powerful? it's happened to me too much in my life, and i am so sick of people hanging shit over my head. it's a fucking terrible feeling. so there i am, standing in a park, bawling, while some dude is tripping on fucking ghb, and because victor now doesn't think he can be here for july, I'M NOT GOING TO CRY EVEN MORE? thank god i have a job to go to now, or else... fuck, i'd have some pretty morbid drawings. not that they haven't been. but i used to feel life. why do i just feel i'm living it? why do i feel like any other nameless face, when i never have before? maybe it's all the rain - it's a shock to the system. maybe i'm too reliant on friends, lovers, family, people. maybe i don't fit in anywhere, and maybe i should sit with dude on the park bench tripping out on GOD KNOWS FUCKING WHAT. tonight i will wish for my faith in life again, and perhaps an iota of strength because i haven't felt this fucked over in so long. heh, it's funny. i spent most of my life not trusting ANYONE, and now that i do? fucking STUPID ME. why did i ever fall in love again. why didn't i just stay my happygolonely self, IN WONDER if i had someone i could... they could... find someone who wouldn't... for once... walk on me. tower over me. dear mom and dad, i hate summer camp, i miss home, and i want to come home. i feel like one of those kids. i was so happy to leave and the past five fucking days have been a nightmare in my soul. WHY HAVE I LOST MY GRIP?! WHY IS MY FUCKING CRY FOR A FRIEND TO BACK HOME TO WANT MY NEW NUMBER? WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ON THE CHASE? life, let me fall hopelessly in love with you all over again... cause i can't bare this fucking selfish behavior i have allowed. victor is so pissed with me for not being "tough" and he's tired of me crying, and i can't rely on zoe and amaan to make me feel elyse again. but look at me. wait, you can't. SO SEE MY SOUL RIGHT NOW HERE:
there's actually a guy rolling himself down the street. oh fucking lord, what is going ON?! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2005|10:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | rain | ] |
i love that victor still thinks we're going to catch the ten am ferry to victoria. i love that he's wearing soaking wet pants and yelling at me about e-mailing jonny.
WHAT THE SHIT, could you please just calm down?
i really need a coffee, and damnit i wished we caught that ferry.
in other news, i have watched napolean dynamite nine times now. BOOYA. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|02:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | rain | ] |
hello we're back, and what was the question?
on a little island called salt spring. i love it here, and am fighting for the right to sleep outside.
loveandfearlessness.com
please check out the site.
otherwise, i am fucking so happy, but really missing you people so that you could see the wondrous sites i have now encountered.
boy, this is strange.
i have a billion stories, and shit - not enough time. but so far i haven't showered in days, been kicked out of a crackhead's house, slept outside on the beach, de-shelled shrimps with amaan, done mad cooking with syria, been interviewed by mtv, and made friends with three people who work at virgin records.
who knows!
i'm getting too used to being homeless, I LOVE IT TOO MUCH. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|01:40 pm] |
how quickly your heart can change. we're lucky to have health and life.
i feel like the biggest fucking asshole. this is a lesson for me never ever to jump to conclusions.
i'm so sorry shawna b. i am so sorry.
i'm sorry to you too, angela. but i hope your as true as your big beautiful blue eyes and PLEASE understand...
mister sunshine looks over his shoulder for rain
all our joys in this life are outlined by pain
but all we do is search and search
for fulfillment that seems so elusive
ee should know that it's all right here if we just could see it
we're so busy looking for a saviour
we don't see the power in ourselves
all our lives are precious, don't let it pass you by
mister sunshine looks over his shoulder for rain
all ours joys in this life are outlined by pain |
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